Is it really possible to answer the question, “Am I with the right person?” Can you truly know?
When I was deep into healing my relationship patterns, I spent a lot of time working through disastrous connections I thought had the potential to be real relationships. Trauma caused me to choose partners that weren’t right for me, un-checked coping mechanisms caused me to stay too long, and I chronically sacrificed what I truly wanted in a partnership for the comfort of other people.
Doing all the ‘inner-work’ gave me a really good understanding of what was wrong with my relationships.
But I still didn’t know how to know when the connection was RIGHT.
I didn’t want to blindly launch myself into connections just to see if maybe they’d work out weeks, months, or even years down the road. I wanted a way to be proactive when it came to answering the question, “Am I with the right person?” I wanted to feel more confident knowing if I’d found the right person for me.
7 Signs You’re Not With the Right Person
Before we explore 3 strategies to answer the question, “Am I with the right person?” … Let’s explore 7 common signs that you might not be.
Wondering “Am I with the wrong person?”
Take this short “Am I in the Right Relationship Quiz” and ask yourself…
- Do you feel like you can be your true, unedited self with them?
- Have your friends and family met them, and do they think they’re a good match for you?
- Do you feel seen and heard by them, even in moments of conflict or tension?
- Do you feel more happy, alive, and ‘yourself’ after spending time with them?
- Do you feel comfortable asking questions or having difficult / vulnerable conversations?
- Are you happy and satisfied with the relationship more often than you are frustrated, confused, or disappointed?
- Can you genuinely say that you like and respect them as a person?
If you answered “no” to 3 or more of those questions…
It’s probably worth re-evaluating whether this relationship is in your best interest.
And if you still aren’t sure, there are specific strategies you can use to gather deeply insightful information about how aligned your relationship is! Here are the the 3 I recommend most often to my clients…
3 Ways to Answer the Question: Am I With the Right Person?
1. Create a reference point for your ideal relationships
Most people make two mistakes when it comes to building connections:
- They move through their relationships hoping to end up in a relationship that finally feels ‘right’, believing that when you meet the right person you know it
- They hyper-focus on what they want their ideal partner or relationship to look like instead of what they want it to feel like.
The truth is, the specifics of any relationship will inevitably change– jobs, salaries, height, hair color, weight, location, hobbies, and interests will all shift over time.
These inconsistent measurements for compatibility won’t help you know if you’ve met the right person. And leaving it to the fates, hoping that you’ll suddenly, magically realize what’s right for you is even less reliable!
Instead, consider creating an “internal reference point” for your ideal relationship with these questions:
- How do I want to feel in my ideal relationships?
- How would I know if my needs were being met in a relationship?
- What do I currently do in my life that I would no longer have to do if my relationship were healthy and fulfilling?
- What am I not able to do that I would be able to do if my relationship were healthy and fulfilling?
Your answers may change and evolve over time, but your internal awareness of the type of relationship you’re actually looking for is immensely valuable– especially in the face of loneliness, frustration with the modern dating scene, or the ultra–suave, oh-so-good looking guy who seems perfect on paper.
2. Set boundaries early and often
Not only are boundaries a non-negotiable part of building healthy relationships (they aren’t just for fixing relationships or situations that aren’t going well!), but setting boundaries is a fantastic opportunity to gather information about the person you’re with. The way that another person responds to your boundaries is deeply revealing.
Red flag responses to boundaries include:
- Anger or threats, including lashing out or blame
- Belittling or degrading, including name calling, sarcasm, or making fun of your boundary or how you communicated it
- Gaslighting or trying to convince you your boundary is not necessary or valid
- Using guilt or playing the victim to convince you to back down on your boundary
In a relationship that has healthy potential, the person on the receiving end of your boundary should respond with:
- Their undivided attention and a desire to understand your perspective and your feelings
- A willingness to discuss, share, and collaborate to create an environment where you both can be seen, heard, and validated
- A willingness to reflect on their behavior and feelings in the current circumstances
- A healthy expression of / discussion of emotions
- An apology, when necessary
- An appropriate adjustment in behavior that reflects an investment in the health of the relationship
Note that none of the red flag responses should prevent you from setting boundaries in your relationships. Your experience of how a person responds to boundaries and communication gives you insight into their emotional health.
That information is a powerful way to measure whether the person you’re dating is a good fit for you.
3. Communicate your “Core Relational Needs”
Similar to setting boundaries, a person’s response to your needs is telling. A healthy relationship will balance a natural desire to meet our partner’s needs and an understanding that our partners cannot be the sole source of satisfaction for all every need and desire we have.
As you consider your needs within the context of any particular relationship, focus on identifying your core relational needs.
The primary question to help us identify our core relational needs is this: What do I need in this relationship to feel safe, loved, happy, and secure?
As you move through a relationship, you will have more and more opportunities to identify what your core relational needs are. As you gather this information about yourself, communicate these needs to your parter.
In a healthy, viable relationship, the other person should:
- Show a sincere interest in understanding what your needs are
- Demonstrate a willingness to communicate about your needs, including how they might be met
- Be willing to compromise and clearly and kindly express boundaries around ways in which they may not be able to meet particular needs
- Take your needs into account even while expressing their own
It is normal and expected for one person’s needs to sometimes conflict with another’s. That, in itself, it not necessarily a red flag… It’s simply the reality of two different people coming together to create a relationship.
When this happens, any moments of tension or even conflict are opportunities to use the power of clear, intentional communication to know each other even better. Your and your partner’s responses to these moments will tell you a lot about the health and viability of the relationship!
The Right Person is Out There, Waiting for You…
Good relationships are possible– no matter how many challenging ones we have on the scorecards of our past.
They begin with developing an understanding of what a good relationship means, looks like, and, most importantly, feels like to YOU.
From there, you can use clear, intentional communication to not only help ensure that your relationships are safe and healthy, but also to collect data about the type of people we’re with.
If you’re interested in diving deeper into your own relationship blueprint or would love support in identifying and expressing your boundaries, email me at hello@ktumminia.com for opportunities to work with me privately, or in one of my popular group coaching containers!