I still remember when I started to really learn how to set boundaries in relationships. Don’t get me wrong, I knew what boundaries were, but there came a point in my journey when I knew I needed to focus on actually practicing boundary setting.
You might be in a similar place right now!
For me, I had this realization in grad school. All of the students in my cohort were required to take a class called Leadership Development. It sounded like your standard, “we have to fill your credit requirements to give you an advanced degree so we added this filler course” kind of thing. I wasn’t expecting much but a Wednesday afternoon break in the middle of my otherwise-overwhelming class load.
The Surprising Moment That Revealed My Unhealthy Boundaries
Our first assignment was to spend the next week tracking how we spend our resources– how we spent our time and our money. I didn’t think much of it and left the class just grateful I didn’t have to write another paper.
Except, this little assignment ended up rocking the foundations of my entire world.
When we returned to class the following week, the professor asked us one question: How many of the resources you’re using, be it time, money, or otherwise, are being used in ways that support the vision you have for your life?
It was then that I had a MASSIVE realization– I didn’t actually LIKE the ways I was spending my time or money! And every bit of my resources was being used to make other people in my life more comfortable, rather than supporting any goals or vision of my own.
I knew big changes were in order… but I didn’t know exactly what to change or how.
It would take me another couple of years to realize that the KEY to creating the life I desired could only be found by mastering boundary setting.
Why Boundary Setting Changes Everything
What are boundaries?
Put simply, boundaries are limits and guidelines we create for ourselves to help ensure that we are safe and respected in all of our experiences– by others and ourselves!
Our personal boundaries are the tool that empowers to change our experience for the better. You cannot create the life you want without them.
They help us determine what we will and will not tolerate in our lives, the types of relationships that are most life-giving for us, how we spend our time and resources, and even how we care for ourselves.
But for many of us, boundary setting is a nebulous concept we don’t know how to actually do.
So, if you’re thinking, “I don’t know how to set boundaries…”, you aren’t alone! A lot of us were never taught how to set healthy boundaries. We probably didn’t have good examples of healthy boundaries in our homes or early relationships. And we certainly weren’t given boundary setting lessons in school!
In fact, the lack of healthy modeling and understanding most people have when it comes to setting boundaries is a big part of why I do the work that I do! So, if you’re just getting started and want to understand how to get better at boundary setting in your own life, here are the 3 most common boundary mistakes I see now– and that I made myself– and how to fix them.
3 Most Common Boundary Mistakes & How to Fix Them
Boundary Setting Mistake 1: You Use Boundaries to Control Other People’s Behavior
Here’s the hard truth– we cannot control another person’s behavior or choices. And truthfully, efforts to do so never work out in the end.
Instead of using boundaries to control or change another person, remember– Your boundaries are about you and your behavior.
Boundaries dictate your own experience and the steps you need to take to make sure your experience reflects the sacred being that you already are. Needs and desires you have for other people’s behavior, on the other hand, are requests and expectations.
Orient your boundaries to yourself. For example:
- Instead of: “You have to text me every day while you’re at work,” a healthy boundary might be, “It’s important to me to have regular contact with the people I’m closest to. I need to make sure that the relationships I prioritize reflect that. I’m going to make sure I send you a quick message on my lunch break. Can we talk about how we can build more regular contact into our relationship during the week?”
- Instead of: “You spend too much time with your friends and you need to start spending more time with me,” a healthy boundary might be, “It’s clear that your friends are important to you. I want you to know that you’re important to me as well, and I need to create relationships where I am also a priority. For me, that looks like spending regular time together, and I need that from my partner in order to continue to feel secure in a relationship.”
- Instead of: “Stop yelling at me or I’ll leave,” a heathy boundary might be, “I cannot continue to have conversations when they devolve into yelling. I’m going to take a break and we can come back to this in an hour when we’ve both calmed down.”
When you create boundaries that are focused on your experience and your behavior, every boundary you set is supported by tangible, measurable action that keeps the boundary you set intact. For instance, if you set a boundary around not remaining in conversations that devolve into yelling, you are responsible for walking away from those conversations.
From this perspective, boundaries become empowering tools instead of frustrating pleas for what you need.
Boundary Setting Mistake 2: You Make Threats Instead of Creating Consequences
How many times have you caught yourself making a wild threat in the heat of feeling angry or hurt, even though you knew you had no intention of following through?
How many times have you threatened another person as a way to punish them for not doing what you wanted them to do?
Healthy boundaries cannot be upheld by threats, but they are supported by consequences.
Consequences in healthy boundary setting is really the next, logical move you need to make in order to ensure that you continue to be respected and continue to respect yourself.
Instead of “Do this or else!” statements, or a focus on punishing another person for their choices, start asking yourself what you need to do in any given moment to continue to feel safe and respected, and actually follow through!
Boundary Setting Mistake 3: You Assume Other People Should Already Know Your Boundaries
Good boundaries require communication. Specifically, they require communication that is in line with the nature of the relationship and your desired outcome.
No person, no matter how close or intimate the relationship, can know what you need, desire, or expect without communication.
And, when a person doesn’t inherently know or understand your boundaries, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything about the health or viability of your relationship.
I often tell my clients that boundaries are invitations to intimacy– they are tools telling other people how best to have and maintain a relationship with you– but like actual invitations, they need to be “sent” in order to be honored.
Your partner isn’t a mind reader, and good boundaries need to be communicated in order to be honored by others. (The exception to this rule is in cases where communicating a boundary is unsafe or the act of communication undermines the boundary in the first place).
If you’re new to boundaries, remember there is no shame in learning! We don’t know what we don’t know — and most of us missed out on healthy models for boundaries when we were growing up. If you’re guilty of any of these mistakes, focus on making small, attainable adjustments, and make sure you’re subscribed to the Self Love Club to learn more!