Whether you’re dating, in a relationship, or fresh out of a relationship, or just a human being living on the planet, I can probably guess that you’re no stranger to disappointment.
Among the people that show up in my coaching space every month, the topic of disappointment is almost a sure-fire guarantee– they may be disappointed in another person, disappointed in the turn of a relationship, or disappointed the person they were sure could be the one turned out to be another name to add to the growing list of exes. Either way, the reaction is always the same. Unmet expectations, misplaced hopes and dreams, and frustration that dating efforts haven’t led them to “the one” garner the familiar feeling of disappointment.
The dictionary defines disappointment as: sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations.
But- let’s take it a step further: the word disappointment is derived from the French word desappointer, which means to “to deprive of an office or position.” In relationships, this can be understood as “no longer favored” by someone whose favor means a lot to us.
In my practice, I often invite my clients to acknowledge and accept their emotions as neither good nor bad, but to view them as information to which they can respond. Disappointment, however, is not an emotion like anger, happiness, or sadness, rather, it is a state of being. Disappointment stems from perpetual focus, whether conscious or unconscious, on the unmet portion of your expectations. Disappointment, if we’re truthful, doesn’t originate in the behavior of another person, it originates in our own expectations.
The trap of disappointment is that it can lead us to a deep, unfulfillable desire for the person who we feel disappointed us to remedy the situation. In a state of disappointment, in which all of our energy and focus is centered on our unmet expectations, we have given the other person power and control over whether we are able to feel fulfilled, favored, and positive. Engaging (or wallowing for some of us!) in a state of disappointment creates an energetic space that we believe can only be remedied by the behavior of another person.
If you catch yourself in a space of disappointment (you will at some point, trust me), your first move should be choosing to step into a place of reclaiming yourself and your power.
Disappointment cannot linger when you take back responsibility for your own happiness, fulfillment, and wellbeing. Sure, expectations will go unmet from time to time, and it may require adjustments and boundaries on your end, or trigger emotions, memories, or feelings– but at the end of the day, you are ultimately in control of you. And that state of disappointment you keep catching yourself in? That’s your responsibility too, babe.
Not sure where to start?
Lucky for you, I have just the practice for consciously assessing your disappointment and taking back your power in the face of disappointing things!
CONSCIOUS PRACTICE: Disappointment
In your journal or notebook, explore and answer the following questions. Throughout the process, be open to any emotions, feelings, memories, or thoughts that may come up, even if they seem unrelated. Anything that comes up for you is more information and may be more related than you think!
- Acknowledge and clarify your disappointment. What exactly has made you feel disappointed? What emotions accompany your disappointment? What does this situation or these feelings remind you of? Be specific, name names and behaviors, and be as detailed as you can about the situation at hand. This first step allows you to take time and space to feel your feelings, but also to be exceptionally clear about what or who has disappointed you, which in turn puts everything into perspective
- Assess your own expectations. What expectations did you have of this person or situation? Where did they come from? In what ways did you communicate them to the person(s) involved
- Choose to see the silver lining. What can you learn from this situation or this person? What did this disappointment show you about yourself? How can this situation and your reaction to it shed more light on your growth, potential, and evolution as an individual
- Respond. In what ways can you modify your expectations or goals in this situation to take back your power? What boundaries can you put into place to help you lay claim to yourself and your power in the face of this situation
- Shift your feelings with purpose. Brainstorm the things you can intentionally do to shift your emotions and feelings, taking full responsibility for yourself and your well being even in the midst of a relationship or situation that has triggered disappointment.