This morning I went live in my High Vibes Energy Circle and talked about conscious dating and techniques and mindset shifts to release past relationships and lovers. (Seriously though, if you aren’t in on the facebook group love, get there– it’s a lovely community of high vibe souls, lots of resources, and all of my newest content goes there first! Check it out here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/HighVibesEnergyCircle/). I wanted to take some time to expand on those ideas and answer some follow-up questions sent my way after the fact.
If you’re currently on the dating scene– in that you have any desire to have and explore a relationship and currently don’t have one (it doesn’t matter if you haven’t stepped out of your apartment on a Friday night in ages or haven’t been on a date that did anything good for you since who-knows-when — if you want it, you’re on the prospective dating scene), changing your dating/relationship cycle starts with becoming conscious of what dating is actually for becoming willing and able to step away from the things that aren’t for you, even if you thought they were once. A conscious dating practice can go a long way in helping you achieve this, and part of the process is going to be dealing with releasing all those pesky past relationships and relationship stories you’ve been hanging onto.
The truth is, we’re a little bit addicted to our old dating stories, and dragging them around like a 6-piece luggage set to every new relationship is not helping you in the slightest. It’s keeping you attached to old stuff and preventing you from making space for new and better things (like that dream relationship you’re looking for!). And even if you’re already in an established relationship, married, or otherwise committed, all that baggage isn’t doing your relationship any favors, trust me. You cannot change your current relationship, or attract a new one, if you’re unable or unwilling to release your old relationship stories, attachments, and cords- they will always interfere. Every. single. time.
As you begin to become conscious in your relationships, there are techniques and practices you can use to become conscious about your past relationships too- and begin to add distance, space, perspective, and release them once and for all. You are stepping into a new, higher vibe, evolved, revolutionary era of relationships– old stories and baggage don’t need to be a part of that! Let’s make some space in your experience for everything you’ve been dreaming of. Here’s how you can start TODAY:
1. Identify Your Luggage
Get out your trusty journal – this work will be deep and introspective. Start by identifying your past relationships – all of them that held any significance for the relationship story you’re living out now (and even a few who don’t seem significant – my golden rule of exploring the past and its energy is: If it comes to mind, it’s for a reason!). Make a list of all of these influences, and keep in mind that it doesn’t matter how long you were together, how intense the relationship was, or even if your adult-self would consider it a “real” relationship. Significance is subjective – it matters if it feels like it matters to you.
My list started with my 3rd grade romantic interest, Marco. It was the beginning of my minor obsession with Italian guys. The truth is, we didn’t date. Aside from the improbabilities of actually dating in 3rd grade, he didn’t even know I liked him – but I REALLY liked him. It matters because it mattered to me. The last person on my list was the person I agreed to date right before I met my husband. I met him online and his name was Ross (the first of my reservations. Friends, anyone?). The truth is, I never actually went on a date with him; I went to the meeting place for our first date and stood across the street watching him wait for me outside of a South Philly dive bar. I had a crippling moment of anxiety and comparison-fear and cancelled via text from the sidewalk opposite him (terrible, I know!) – but the point is the actual date doesn’t matter, what matters is what I learned from that situation and my response to it and what significance it held for me. So, include everything that comes to mind – if it comes up, there’s a reason.
2. Explore Three Reflection Questions for Each of the Experiences on Your List
Here’s the long/hard/more intense part. One at a time (no pressure to finish this in one sitting – in fact, the longer you spend exploring what comes up, the more thorough you’ll be) ask yourself the following questions concerning each item on your list:
- What was great about this relationship/experience?
- What did I learn from this person?
- What did I or can I learn about myself in this experience?
Push yourself to explore anything that might come up – even if it doesn’t seem to make sense. Don’t let yourself off the hook with non-answers or skipping questions – remember, the purpose of your experiences with other people on this planet is always to bring to a place of learning and expansion. Nothing is random or accidental. Most importantly, take your time. Think on it, mull it over, come back to it over and over again- the knowing is already there, you’re just accessing it! This process is going to help put those past relationships into perspective– you’re learning to view them for what they really are (a process of learning and enlightenment, not just shitty dates!)
Here’s an example from my own experience working through my past relationships:
Marco M. (3rd grade crush)
- What was great about this relationship/experience?
The great part of this experience was that it was my first major crush. It was the first time I experienced the excitement, giddiness, and lightness of having those kind of feelings for another person. There were a lot of moments when things seemed serendipitous, like getting assigned to the same table, walking near each other in line, or sitting together at lunch – it was beautiful to believe that things could be ‘magic’ as a child and feel so exciting. - What did I learn from this person?
This was also the first time I decided for myself that another person ‘couldn’t’ be interested in me too and misunderstood another person’s cues and intentions as a result. Then, I didn’t understand all the ways another person could show their interest, and so when Marco would make jokes, tease me, or steal my pencil for attention, I assumed he didn’t like me back and reacted defensively (so defensively that I actually punched him in the face after he stole my pencil during indoor recess). This was the start of understanding that people show interest and affection in ways that aren’t always all that aligned or high vibe, but my misunderstanding was that I needed to defend myself against other people’s dysfunction and my assumption that he couldn’t possibly also like me. I see patterns of self-esteem issues here already, in retrospect. - What did I or can I learn about myself in this experience?
I had already begun to learn the habit of second-guessing myself in the face of other people I perceived as better than me. I put into action a long-time dating habit of feeling the need to make myself more of better in order to be equal to or deserve interest from those I was also interested in.
3. Identify Patterns
As you move through your list and begin to reflect on and explore your answers to the three reflections questions (some will be easier than others!), look for emerging patterns. Do you see a pattern in yourself and how you respond to certain types of people or situations? Is there a pattern in the things you’ve learned about yourself? Do you notice that you tend to attract the same type of person or the same type of learning? Jot down the patterns you notice for further reflection and exploration!
4. Replace Your Patterns & Learnings with Those That Reflect the Relationship Vibe You WANT
Here’s where the deep work really begins. Once you have a list of reflections, lessons, and patterns, identify the ones that don’t work for you or don’t align with the relationship vibe you want to create in your life. Begin by reflecting on where these may have come from (perhaps they began with the relationship you identified, or perhaps they came from somewhere else entirely, like a parent, an observation, or a trauma you experienced) and take some intentional time and space to form opposing, new lessons. For example, for my experience above with Marco, I choose to believe instead that I am worthy exactly as I am, I am already valuable and equal to anyone that I meet, and I can embody my divine power in all things. Turn these statements into mantras for yourself – keeping in mind that some of these more embedded beliefs may require the help of a professional to truly unearth and clear (I can help!).
To you and your love revolution,
<3 Kari