Guilt is such a dirty word in the spiritual healing community– it gets a bad rap as “the unnecessary emotion”, limiting, misguided, low-vibe, not a part of our highest and truest selves. And, part of this is true, especially when we’re stuck living in a state of guilt or living with guilt that is unhealthy. But, the truth is, guilt itself serves a purpose, and is a part of our human experience because it meets a specific biological need. Understanding guilt, why it exists in the first place, and ultimately being able to identify whether the guilt you’re experiencing is healthy or unhealthy are the keys to having a purposeful relationship with this emotion. The real problem with guilt is that so many of us live our lives holding onto guilt that doesn’t really belong to us– this unhealthy guilt easily moves into feelings of shame, blame, low self esteem, and the inability to move forward. Our society is plagued by unhealthy guilt– it’s time to rewrite your guilt story and transform your perspective!
Five Tips to Overcome and Release Guilt
- Understand Where Guilt Comes From
Shifting your conscious understanding of where guilt comes from and why it exists can help you put your own feelings of guilt into perspective– and new perspective is a great place to start when you’re looking to radically shift an element in your life. So, here’s the deal with guilt: Guilt exists as a biological drive that supported our human evolution and survival. Ancient humans were total bad asses. Think about it– they survived elements and conditions most of us have never (and will never!) experience, and they regularly killed giant creatures, the likes of which we aren’t exactly encountering as we sip our soy lattes on the subway to work in the morning, sometimes using nothing more advanced than a bunch of pointy sticks. History demonstrates mankind’s capacity for will and violence over and over and over again. And yet, human beings also have a huge capacity for community, intimacy, and cooperation. Guilt is the biological, evolutionary tool that allowed us to balance both of these extremes. “Natural selection favored humans who had emotional inhibitions on unleashing their destructive impulses on others with whom they live in close association” (Dr. Peter Breggin, author of Guilt, Shame, & Anxiety: Understanding and Overcoming Negative Emotions). Guilt serves a purpose– it’s like anger management for our inner animal.The problem is, guilt is crude, at best– its mechanism had to be simple enough to be passed down in our DNA and activated in childhood. That means it doesn’t always keep up with our rational, adult, thinking minds at play in an evolved society. Guilt can be manipulated, used, and distorted, especially in children and in victims of abuse, violence, or low self-esteem. As functional, evolving human beings, we need tools to keep guilt in check– it isn’t an emotion to be taken at its face value. If you’re experiencing feelings of guilt, don’t assume that they’re correct, or that those feelings you serve you in any way. They MAY, however, guilt is only purposeful when we know that it’s aligned with a real purpose, and to figure that out, you’ve got to give it some attention before you allow it to take hold. - Find Out: Is Your Guilt Healthy or Unhealthy?
Most of us don’t ever analyze our own guilt. We don’t pick it apart or force it to answer any questions or even put effort into figuring out where it came from in the first place. We feel it and we just let it live with us. Your guilt NEEDS to be pushed up against the wall, put under a bright light, and questioned. Do it through journaling, do it through meditation, do it with your therapist– however you do it, do yourself the courtesy of not accepting or acting upon feelings of guilt without knowing if it’s healthy guilt or unhealthy guilt.- Healthy guilt motivates us to grow and evolve when a behavior has been legitimately harmful or damaging– to others or ourselves. Unhealthy guilt comes on the heels of behavior that doesn’t need to be changed or reexamined. If you’re letting your feelings of guilt stick around for any time at all, they should act for the purpose of personal growth and evolution– it should serve a specific and rational purpose that you can identify.
- Healthy guilt occurs as a result of a behavior that is OURS. Unhealthy guilt does not: it can occur as a result of the behaviors of others, or even transfer into shame (shame is the feeling that you ARE wrong or bad in some way, rather than something you DID was wrong).
- Healthy guilt gets our attention and seeks to help us learn from a situation. Unhealthy guilt makes us feel bad for little legitimate reason, and often has no solution or end.
- Ask yourself: Does this Guilt Belong to Me?
This is a powerful question far too few of us ask far too infrequently. If you can’t answer this question, then you have no business acting on or allowing those feelings of guilt in your life. Oftentimes, we learn the bad habit of guilt as children. Remember how I said that the biological function of guilt had to be simple enough to activate in childhood? Well, here’s one of the issues with that (thanks, nature!). If you find that you have a serious habit of picking up unhealthy or irrational guilt (that’s guilt that isn’t linked to a specific behavior that needs changing, motivates you to grow and evolve, helps you learn, and then gets the hell outta your hair), there’s a good chance that this was learned behavior. The million dollar question then becomes, “Where did I learn this?” It could be as simple as a childhood experience in which accepting guilt or blame helped someone important to you feel better. It could be a time when accepting guilt that wasn’t yours kept you safe. It could be that you were manipulated into accepting guilt that wasn’t yours by an abuser or in a situation of violence. It could have been modeled for you by someone else in your life as you were learning how to navigate the world.When you experience guilt, one of your first questions should be, “Does this guilt truly belong to me, or did it come from someone or somewhere else?” If it doesn’t belong to you, you don’t need to keep it. - Recognize Healthy Guilt and Make Changes and Amends Sooner than Later
Sometimes, the guilt you feel will be legit. It will be related to a specific, identifiable behavior and seek to bring you to a place of growth and change. If that’s the case, and those guilt feelings pass all of your tests, embrace the change that you need to make as soon as you’re able. Ignoring purposeful, legitimate feelings of guilt only causes the Universe to bring that situation and those feelings back to you, over and over. And, in my experience, every time we ignore spirit, the louder and more obvious she needs to get to catch our attention. Once you understand that healthy guilt is only there to help you grow and evolve, you can look for the opportunities being sent your way to step into that evolution and embrace that change. If the guilt is legit, own the process that comes with it– it may mean making amends, it may mean changing your behavior, or it may mean a little of both. And, if it’s truly healthy guilt, the feelings will pass as you engage in the learning process, because it was only there to get your attention in the first place. - Don’t Should All Over Yourself
Perfectionism doesn’t exist. We all make mistakes, make less than stellar decisions, or respond in ways that are less-than-ideal. Spending time and energy looking backward and beating yourself up over what you “should” have done only serves to stunt your emotional and spiritual growth. Allow the things that are over to be just that: OVER. If it’s done, it’s done. You’re human! We all are! Focus your time and energy on the present moment. If you’re in the process of making necessary changes and have made amends, give yourself the loving permission to move on and do things differently at the next opportunity (because there’s always another opportunity). “Shoulds” are not constructive. Let ’em go!
Bonus Tip!
Tap it out! Not sure where to start with your guilt? Feeling too overwhelmed by it to even begin to deal? Or perhaps it’s been there for so long you’re not sure how to separate it from your identity. EFT tapping is an incredible tool that can help you remove the emotional charge from the guilt that you’ve been plagued by. Once the emotional charge is gone, you can see it more clearly for what it is. Starting with “Even though I feel guilty, I truly and deeply love and accept myself” can be extremely powerful and liberating. Not familiar with EFT Tapping but want to try it? Book a clarity call here!